Cleansed

I feel better now.

I’ve read your comments. And I’ve done lots of thinking. (Big surprise there.)

Alan is right. All of you were right, in fact. (At least those of you who left your names. Hey, Mr. Oy Vey: I hope you’re enjoying NYU Medical School.)

It’s so simple, really. This is mine. I do it for me. If you get some enjoyment out of it, that’s even better. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter.

I’ve always had this problem. I’ve always spent way too much time worrying about the people who don’t like me. That’s stupid, especially with something like a blog.

Oh, and I’m going to stop worrying about whether this is a blog or an online journal.

I’m happy with my site. I’m happy with the people who are happy with my site. I’m glad people find value in it. That’s great.

And your comments were great, too:

Dezz is right. I’ve hungered for external sources of validation too much.

Alan stated what my site is, when all is well: “It comes across as itself.” I’m going to try to remember that more. It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less.

Finally, Huntington is right in quoting Eleanor. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Anyway, I had therapy tonight. Just picture me trying to explain the Bloggies to my therapist. So, you know this website I have… well, they call these things ‘blogs’… it’s short for ‘weblogs’… wow, it’s always weird to say the word ‘blog’ out loud…

We talked about the Bloggies.

We talked about sex. (I’ve still been having it, a little.)

We talked about boyfriends.

We talked about my hair. (Here’s a tidbit: my biggest insecurity about my physical appearance is my hair. I have curly hair, and I had a big afro when I was a kid. Have you seen “The Royal Tennenbaums”? Remember the little boys, Ari and Uzi? They were me. Except I had much tighter curls.)

We talked about how I’m too judgmental of myself — and of other people. Those are related, ya know.

We talked about me wanting to be less shy in bars.

It was a pretty productive 45 minutes.

In other news: I watched “Buffy” tonight. I’ve been steadily working my way through the daily double dose on FX, and it’s fun to follow the story by actually watching the episodes in order. So it’s strange when there’s a new episode on UPN. Thoughts about tonight’s show:

1) Ewwwww.

2) I can’t believe there were commercials for Wendy’s and McDonald’s during the hour! What were they thinking?

3) I miss Tara. (I miss Giles, too.)

4) Addiction storylines: *shiver.* I’ve never done well with addiction storylines. Drugs, magic, whatever; the idea of addiction has always freaked me out. I’ve smoked exactly one-half of a cigarette in my life, and I’ve never done drugs. And I never want to. There was an article in the Times today about gay men and crystal meth and I got all queasy and shaky after the first few paragraphs.

I also watched “Smallville” tonight. I’ve been watching it for a couple of months. It’s not as good as “Buffy,” but it’s better than most shows on TV. And Tom Welling is so wholesome and yummy.

Anyway, to sum up:

We’re back.

Unblock

Yep, I haven’t written in a while. It’s amazing how not getting nominated for a Bloggie for Best GLBT Weblog can give a guy so much writer’s block.

To get unblocked, I wrote this long heartfelt entry about how pissed I am. I’m not going to post it, though, because I wrote some not-particularly-nice things about some people. Instead, I’ll just echo Jonno: no fucking comment.

Anyway.

Last night I went to this party in the meatpacking district. Lots of cute gay guys, and a disproportionate number of short ones, which always makes me happy. And it all felt so New Yorky. The casting director for “Survivor” cut in front of me on the bathroom line. James Gandolfini lived directly upstairs. So cool.

After the party, I met up with a friend who’s just moved from Brooklyn to the East Village, and we went to the Phoenix, everyone’s favorite East Village gay bar. I ran into two dates there.

First off, I ran into this East Village guy whom I met for drinks a couple of weekends ago. He’d been cute, but a little too East Villagey for me. And the night had ended with no sex. He’d yawned and had been tired and had needed to leave or something.

And so I ran into him last night.

The weird thing is, I ran into him on Friday night, too, at Barracuda. He was there with a friend, and I wound up hanging out with the two of them. He’d IM’d me at work that day, but at Barracuda, he didn’t seem to want me around. I was getting a bad vibe from him. His friend was nice, though, so I stayed.

And then I saw him last night at Phoenix. This time he was with a different guy. I didn’t want to be rude, so I dragged my friend over and we said hi and then we moved on.

A few seconds later, I turned around and he was kissing the guy he was with.

I don’t even want to date the guy, but for some reason this pissed me off. It was like passive-aggressive rejection or something.

A few minutes later my friend and I ran into one of my Date Bait dates, who was there with a friend. Apparently yesterday was his 30th birthday.

We’d seen a movie earlier in the week, and afterwards, he’d suggested we get together again this weekend so we could have a date that involved talking. But neither of us had called the other yet this weekend. And last night at the bar, after talking with us for a few minutes, he left with his friend. That was that.

So I don’t know what’s going on.

Man, this is the lamest entry ever.

You know, I’ve been considering taking a vacation from blogging. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. At any rate, not getting a Bloggie nomination, and the increasing lack of anonymity, and a dry spell in my life — all are making me question why I’m doing this. I just haven’t felt like putting in the effort lately.

So I’ll just end this entry now before it gets any lamer.

photos of the Manhattan skyline, taken a short walk from my apartment