A Weekend of Small Enjoyments

Thanks as usual for the words of support, to those of you who wrote me with words of support.

Well, this weekend I’ve fulfilled my patriotic duties and have sunk some money into the American economy. Yesterday I bought three long-sleeve shirts at the Gap. Today I bought — at long last — a cell phone!, as well as a novel (Hornito) and two CDs — the cast albums to “The Producers” and “tick, tick… BOOM!” I’m listening to the latter as I write this. When Mike and I saw it in July, the lead was replaced by an understudy, and now that I’m listening to the album, I think I prefer the understudy’s singing voice. The lead’s voice on the album is too nasal and has too much trilly vibrato. (Without the vibrato, he sounds a lot like Anthony Rapp, actually.) But I’m being pleasantly reminded of how catchy and tuneful the music is. (That’s gotta be one of the most generic musical compliments in the world, but… well, it’s true.)

While walking down Broadway I ran into Andy, but he and his walking companion seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere, so we didn’t get a chance to chat.

Last night I got to meet many of the members of CanadaGirl’s gay softball team. Of the cute guys, one of them had a boyfriend, one of them was there with his boyfriend, and one of them was straight. The teams were having an end-of-season awards gathering at G, and I met up with them there afterwards and we all went to Republic for dinner. Republic is a huge, cavernous restaurant on Union Square that sells Asian-ish food — noodles, soups, and so forth. I had a huge bowl of delicious pad thai.

The boyfriend of one of the cute guys was very complimentary of my looks and my body type. He actually put his hands on both sides of my waist so he could see my waist size for himself. That was kinda fun, and it made me feel good, too.

Afterwards, CanadaGirl, myself, and one of the other softball players went to Dick’s Bar on Second Avenue, where the friend played three or four games of pool and CanadaGirl and I hung out with another of CanadaGirl’s lesbian friends who showed up. ‘Twas fun.

I’m not sure if this recent desultory mood of mine is related to the terrorist attacks, or the new job, or the disenchantment with my apartment. Probably a combination of all three. Also, I look forward to Rosh Hashannah every year, because we have a big meal, two days in a row, and the family gets to be together. But the High Holidays are over for another year, and, well, here we are.

When I was a kid, the winter used to be my favorite time of year, and I hated the summer. In the past few years, things seem to have changed. I’m kind of sad that the summer’s over, and the chilly weather is leaving me depressed instead of invigorated. I don’t know what’s going on.

One of you (or maybe a few of you) suggested I focus on making the little things enjoyable, so that’s what I’ve done this weekend. New shirts, the new convenience of a cell phone (I no longer have to feel disconnected when I’m walking around Manhattan), a couple of new CDs, a new book to read. Oh — and did I mention I’ve finally subscribed to the New York Times? On actual paper? This way, I won’t have to squander my working hours reading it on the Web, and I can just cozy up in my bed on weekend mornings and read the Sunday paper.

By the way, I’ve realized I don’t require Internet access in order to waste time at work. Sometimes I just find myself sitting at my desk, inadvertently staring off into space for five or ten minutes at a time.

I’ve always been very good at that.

Oh, on Friday night I got a blowjob at the Phoenix.

I’m not quite sure how it happened. I mean, I didn’t go down to the restroom with the intention of getting a blowjob. It just sorta happened. Before I got to the door of the men’s room, this guy wearing an open leather jacket and no shirt put his hand on my crotch, and — well — we wound up in a stall in the women’s room.

Afterwards, I felt pretty icky. But I’m going to file this under the category of experiencing new things.

Well, time for dinner!
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Life Sucks

First off, I realize my blogging has been sporadic lately. I think it’s because my routine has been disrupted. I have a new job, and I don’t feel comfortable blogging at work yet. Work was where I used to most of my blogging — gee, ain’t I a good worker?

I’m not feeling like a happy camper lately. I’m having one of these existential/downish moments. Yesterday at work it hit me that I’m actually going to be litigating. I don’t want to be a litigator! I don’t want to be in court. I can’t think well on my feet. I’m not very adversarial. Why did I decide to take this job? Because, in an attempt to please my conscience or my inner parent, I wanted to be able to say that I gave lawyering a try.

Dumb idea.

On the other hand, the hours aren’t bad — 9 to 5 mostly. And my boss and the environment are very laid back, which is great. But I hear there may — occasionally — be an evening or weekend required. And the pay, while higher than my clerkship, could still be higher.

This isn’t for me.

So I’ve been thinking lately that I might go back to school next fall. So many times in my life I’ve thought about becoming a psychotherapist, and I think that’s what I finally want to try. I’m interested in psychology, and I like working with people, encountering people’s stories, setting my own hours, wearing what I want, and creating my own relaxed office space. Seems more up my alley. So this year I might apply for M.S.W. (Master of Social Work) programs. I wonder if it would be better to get a Ph.D. in psychology. I don’t know which is better. I’m going to talk to my therapist about it.

In the meantime, whatever happens, I’ve got this job for at least a year, and I need more money. I’d like to get a cell phone and cable TV and not worry about how much they cost. The area in life where I can cut expenses most easily is in my rent. I need a new apartment.

I just don’t know where I want to live. Sometimes I want to move to Manhattan. Sometimes I want to look for a different place in Jersey City. Sometimes I want to move to the New Jersey suburbs, such as my parents’ town. Sometimes I want to move back to Charlottesville, Virginia.

I don’t know if I want to live alone or if I want a roommate. I just don’t know.

You know what’s funny? Nobody who reads my blog likes to hang out with me in person. The people who do like to hang out with me in person are all people who don’t read my blog or even know that I have one. They’re people who don’t know all these details about my inner life. Once people realize what goes on in my head, they don’t want to hang out with me. Perhaps it’s not good to know too much about a person.

I’m just feeling depressed right now. It’s dark and cloudy out, and the weather has turned cold, and, given the state of the world, who knows if we’ll live to old age?

Even without terrorist attacks, life pisses me off. Every choice you make in life has a drawback. Any place I decide to live will have a drawback.

I don’t do well with drawbacks. I usually interpret a drawback to mean that I’ve made the wrong decision. I can’t commit to anything — a job, an apartment, an entrée, a cell phone — because once I arrive at a drawback, I want to change my mind.

Great literature has been written about the human condition. The message: life is hard.

What keeps us all from killing ourselves?

I remember learning the reason in high school — it’s the myth of Sisyphus. He just kept pushing that rock up the hill, knowing that it was going to come rolling back down anyway. He just kept on doing it. Is it hope that keeps us alive? Or is it the sense of a mission? I don’t know.

I’m going to the Gap. It’s chilly out, and I need new shirts.

Sins

It’s Yom Kippur. I seem to be spending so much time at my parents’ house lately, and here I am again.

The holiday began tonight (Wednedsay night) and it ends 24 hours later at sundown. A few days ago, our rabbi’s father died. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through such a tragedy on top of everything else that’s been going on, and especially at this time of year, given that he’s a rabbi and has to lead services. Ugh. But he performed admirably tonight.

I’m really not into it this year, though. Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish calendar; through prayer, we’re supposed to atone for all our sins of the past year so we can be inscribed in the Book of Life, and we’re supposed to fast. But I really don’t feel like focusing on my personal transgressions at a time when an enormous sin has been committed upon us by others. My psyche feels a little more fragile than usual these days, and beating up on myself seems rather unhealthy right now. I don’t even know if I’ll fast the whole time. Under Jewish law, if you’re ill, you’re exempt from fasting. And I think we’re all a little ill these days.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve occasionally told people, half-jokingly, that I’m going to move to New Zealand and become a sheep farmer. Well, in last night’s dream, I was sitting in some library in Hawaii, and I heard that there was the threat of a chemical attack in New Zealand. I wanted to investigate, so I crawled through a doorway to New Zealand. I found myself on a grassy expanse outside the library, except I was in New Zealand. There were police officers walking back and forth on the grass, inspecting it. Suddenly, an automatic sprinkler system turned on, and water started spraying up from the grass, but the nozzles were also expelling these stringy white particles. I started running away in terror, as fast as I could, trying to hold my breath as I ran, but I knew I had no chance and I was going to die.

Then I woke up.

It was about 5:30 in the morning and it was still dark out. At first I felt a jolt of relief at realizing it was just a dream. But the relief turned to fear. I felt like I’d woken up into a waking nightmare. This doesn’t feel like one of those things that will “never happen.” Like everything else that used to seem impossible, this now seems possible. As with many people, there are certain types of modern scientific warfare that scare the hell out of me right now. You know what? I honestly have doubts that I’m going to make it to old age. I now fear that a huge chunk of the human population is going to be annihilated within the next few years. The only perverse comfort I have is that if I die in such an event, I won’t suffer alone. And I hope I die with little pain.

Buddhism is seeming incredibly attractive to me lately. I’ve always found it appealing, but lately it seems even more necessary to believe in it. Death is comforting. Being alive isn’t all that significant. It’s just one small part of the grand scheme of things.

Later in the morning, I opened the New York Times and read this editorial, which sort of made me feel better and sort of didn’t.

What did make me feel somewhat better was this op-ed piece by Stephen Jay Gould.

…in this moment of crisis, we may reaffirm an essential truth too easily forgotten, and regain some crucial comfort too readily forgone. Good and kind people outnumber all others by thousands to one… in what I like to call the Great Asymmetry, every spectacular incident of evil will be balanced by 10,000 acts of kindness, too often unnoted and invisible as the “ordinary” efforts of a vast majority.

The human race is good at heart. I honestly feel that inside each person who wants to commit horribly evil acts, there is a salvageable section of the brain that respects human life. I believe that each of these people, in theory, can be convinced that human life is worth respecting. I will never stop believing in the power of rational discourse to solve problems. I know that sounds idealistic, but idealistic does not mean impossible. I will never give up hope that everyone has some good in them. People are not evil; they have psychological motivations for their acts. Overwhelm someone with kindness, and there is the possibility — not the certainty, but the possibility — that the person can change. It’s implicit in being human.

To those of you that wrote me regarding yesterday’s entry, thank you. I haven’t had a chance to write anyone back yet — sorry about that — but I appreciate your messages, all of them.

In other news, the Blog Twinning Project is pretty interesting. (Howdy, pardner.)