Da Mook

When I start to get stressed out about little things, I think of my friend from college, da Mook. That’s not his real name, of course, but that’s what we all called him. I can’t remember exactly how that nickname evolved, but that’s often the case with nicknames.

The Mook has an engineering degree and is really smart, but he’s had four jobs in five years. Arkansas. Georgia. New Jersey. DC. Also, he apparently has way too much debt. And he has a crappy diet that includes lots of caffeine. But does he seem worried? Not really. I mean, he’s hyper, but he doesn’t seem worried, like the-roof-is-gonna-cave-in-and-I’m-gonna-get-cancer-and-wind-up-living-in-a-Kenmore-refrigerator-box-and-become-an-alcoholic worried.

When I get worried, that tends to be the kind of worry I get. Everything is connected to everything else. It’s a big net hovering just over the ocean, and if a shark yanks part of it underwater, the whole thing gets pulled under. I get all existential.

Once my apartment lease ends on October 1, it becomes a month-to-month lease if I don’t renew. I just got a call from my landlord — who really likes having me as a tenant — asking me if I was planning to renew for another year. I said I wasn’t sure yet and I mentioned the month-to-month thing. But he said he’d prefer not to go month-to-month.

Of course, technically, he wouldn’t really have a choice — it will automatically become a month-to-month lease if I don’t renew. But of course, technically, he could then evict me on one month’s notice in favor of a tenant who’d be willing to sign a lease.

I told him I was probably going to renew but I asked if we could do a six-month lease instead of a full year. He said sure. So he’s putting a six-month lease in the mail for me to sign.

It’s kind of weird how I have a law degree and I’m a member of both the New York and New Jersey bars and yet I can’t negotiate a favorable agreement for myself. Well, six months is better than twelve months, I guess. And anyway, if I decide to move out before then, what’s he going to do? He could easily find someone to replace as long as I give him a month’s notice. Jersey City is hopping. It shouldn’t be a problem.

I have a fear of commitment. To apartments, to jobs, to guys, to really long books.

Well, no, wait. I have a fear of commitment to unsatisfactory apartments, jobs, guys, and really long books. I guess that’s normal.

It could be that I’m just nervous about starting a new job and having two weeks off. Nervous about having two weeks off? Weird, right? Well, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself, that’s all. I need structure. I come to my office and I surf the Web and write blog entries, but at least there’s a structure, even if I’m flouting it. At least I know the structure is there if I need it.

I’m not exactly worried about the two weeks off but rather about the possibility of spending much of those two weeks alone. Here in the office, there are familiar people. Out of the office, there are strangers.

And I’m also worried about my new job. I don’t know if I’ll be able to goof off there as much as I can now. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I’ll still be a government employee, after all. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Fear of the unknown.

Things seem sort of empty and up in the air right now. My life doesn’t feel full.

There are people like the Mook who seem to be able to deal with crappiness in life and take it in stride. They can compartmentalize it — they don’t seem worried about it. These things just are, and you may as well continue laughing and drinking grape soda and beer and playing cards. It makes them seem more alive, not less. They accept it and they have fun anyway. They remain optimists.

I tend to see things as life-or-death situations. The Mook just sees things as life situations.

The last time I saw the Mook was in West Virginia this summer, and it was then that I had this epiphany about his attitude toward things. So now, when I get really overwhelmed by something little, I pretend I’m the Mook. I just imagine what the Mook would do in that situation, and I’ll think, you know, if he can deal with it like that, then I can deal with it like that.
—–

Travellin’ on the Cheap

My vacation plans are getting less and less ambitious. First I thought it would be great to go to Europe. But I really can’t afford it. Then I thought it would be cool to go to San Francisco. But I really can’t afford that either. So I think I’m just going to stay local, or at least travel by car. I think I’ll take day trips to the beach, maybe an overnight trip to Virginia, maybe go up to New England, maybe explore more of the outer boroughs of New York City. Maybe I’ll spend a day or two relaxing with a book in the reading room of the New York Public Library. Maybe I’ll see a matinee next Wednesday. I don’t know.

See, travelling is great — the world is full of places and people and things to see. But I’d like to wait until I can do it without having to increase my credit card debt. And anyway, it’s not like I’ll die without having been anywhere. I lived in Japan for three years. I’ve been to Hong Kong, Thailand, Australia. I’ve been to Paris and Amsterdam. I’ve been to Israel. I spent an entire summer travelling around the U.K. and the Republic of Ireland. I’ve been to Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, the District of Columbia, Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Wyoming, Colorado, Arizona, California, and Hawaii.

It just seems better right now to work on paying off my current debt instead of increasing it.

Wow, this is kind of funny! I’m writing as if I need to defend my decision from people who will disagree with me. Like I don’t even think I’m entitled to have my own views or make my own decisions. That says a lot about my view of myself, doesn’t it. Hi, folks! I’m the guy whose father never took him seriously until very recently! Yay.

My tour through the Great Books continues. I finished the Iliad last week. I skipped the Odyssey because I read it in high school, and anyway, after the Iliad I was tired of reading blank verse. I just finished reading Aeschylus’s trilogy of Greek tragic plays, the Oresteia — Agamemnon, The Libation Bearers, The Eumenides — but they really didn’t do much for me. So I think I’m going to skip the rest of the ancient Greek dramatists for now — Sophocles, Euripides, Aristophanes — and read Herodotus’s Histories. Maybe I’ll like those.

I’m not sure if the point is to like all of this, or just to have new experiences and “fill the well,” as Julia Cameron would say.

Anyway, I guess it’s just like travelling. Only much, much cheaper.
—–

I’m thinking of going to San Francisco next week. I haven’t been there since 1988, back when I was pre-gay. If I were to visit, would anyone be able to host me, show me around, or both? It would even be cool to stay with a few different people. I’m very clean and I don’t take up much space. Let me know.
—–