Nostalgia

I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in a long time: sadness. I feel slightly depressed. When I have a negative feeling it’s usually anxiety, worry. But today I feel sad.

Today was the University of Virginia’s annual move-in day. I feel kinda sad every year around this time, because it makes me miss it. Moving in; reuniting with friends after a long summer, or meeting new people; anticipating an exciting year ahead, filled with fun, activity, growth, self-exploration. I loved it especially when I was an undergrad (except for my first year — see below). When I was in law school, move-in weekend didn’t feel quite as exciting.

But this year… it’s been ten years. It was ten years ago this weekend that I moved into my first-year dorm at UVa. I was sad and scared and worried and nervous. I didn’t want my parents to leave me (although I tried to hide it). I didn’t want to be at UVa. I missed high school, the familiar halls, the familiar friends and teachers. I missed Japan. Now I was back in the US, feeling reverse-culture shock. And I was in Virginia — in the South, for goodness’ sake. I felt so out of place.

Things were rough for the first few weeks, but they got better once I joined the University Singers and the First-Year Players. I never felt close to my first-year suitemates, though. But the following fall I moved into a single in a brand-new building and met some great friends, and from then on, UVa was terrific.

Damn. Writing about all this is making me even sadder. I miss the place. Not just geographically; I miss being a college student. I wish I could have all that time lying in front of me all over again — empty space, filled with Expectation. The fall — anticipating new people and new things. Hanging out with my friends from the singing groups, hanging out with my friends in the dorms. Having dinner together every night. Going to Macado’s on the Corner. Hanging out on the Lawn in the fall, a slight chill in the air, the clock clanging at the top of each hour, the sound floating on the breeze. Yellow and orange leaves.

Damn.

I’m romanticizing it to a degree — but not totally. I really felt that way every year; I was always happy when a new year began. Even if I’d had an especially great summer and was sad that it was over, that was tempered by my happiness at starting another year of college.

I wish I’d come out sooner. I wish I’d been out during college; I wish I’d dated.

Now I’m in the New York area. New York is a great city, but it’s not like college. It’s big and impersonal and aggressive and dirty. I’m having dinner with a friend of mine tonight. But you know what? Afterwards, I’d like to go to a bar with a few people and just hang out. Not a gay bar. A real bar, like Chumley’s on Bedford Street, where Jack Kerouac used to hang out, a place where you can just chill and chat and drink beer. That sounds great right about now. Being gay in New York can get old.

Heck — being gay can get old.

I miss Charlottesville. I miss the lower cost of living. I miss the academic atmosphere. The sense of community. I miss all the traditions of the University. All the Jeffersoniana that pervades the Charlottesville area. I miss the fall. I miss all the secondhand bookstores. I miss the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley and I-64. Maybe I’ll retire to Albemarle County many years from now. Who knows.

Of course, during my very last year in Charlottesville — my last year of law school — I couldn’t wait to leave. Possibilities there were so limiting, especially socially, especially as a gay man. I wanted to come back to the New York area, where there were so many people and opportunities and seemingly an infinite number of possibilities.

Now I don’t know.

Possibilities.

What does self-exploration mean after college? Or after you come out, for that matter? For the longest time, I knew that my personal growth was tied to coming out. Until I finally came out to my parents two years ago, I knew that there were a certain things I had to accomplish before I could grow as a person. Coming out to my parents was going to be my greatest challenge.

But I’ve done it. And now I don’t know what I need to do in order to grow. I don’t even know what direction to grow in. In college, there’s so much to learn — so much that’s new — you can’t help but grow. But what about now?

I’m 27. How do I grow now?
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Another One

There’s a new law clerk in the office. She just started today. I’m only here for a couple more weeks, though, so I won’t be working with her for long.

Since it’s a nice day out, we had lunch together in a nearby outdoor plaza. I was talking about how I live in Jersey City, and she said that she and someone (I couldn’t make out the exact words) were thinking of going to Jersey City Pride on Saturday. Hmm, I thought. “Who did you say you were going with again?” “Oh, my partner,” she said. Ahhh, I thought. Cool! She hadn’t even tripped my gaydar. So I came out to her.

Until now I haven’t been out to anyone at work. I don’t know why. I guess I figured that it’s my own business and there’s no reason to ruffle any feathers unnecessarily. I don’t think people would care, but why bother?

Anyway, it’s kinda cool to be working alongside another gay person — even if it’s just for the next two weeks.

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An Update

I feel some sort of explanation is order. I haven’t been writing as much as I used to.

I don’t want people to think this is out of pique or something. The truth is, I just haven’t felt like being very self-reflective lately. It’s not that I’ve been writing my thoughts down in a private journal in place of the blog; I just haven’t been doing much self-reflective writing at all. There hasn’t been much in my life to analyze lately, and that’s a good thing.

Lacking anything to analyze, but still wishing to keep my blog’s content fresh — and thereby prevent mass defections of readers — I figure I may as well at least update those of you who care on the current happenings in my life.

Romance

First, there’s that ex-fratboy showtune-lovin’ guy whom I met almost three weeks ago. That first week, I spent the night at his place four times; then last week I saw him briefly on Thursday night and then spent Friday night there. I haven’t seen him since then, but maybe I’ll see him this weekend. I’m more inclined now to think that nothing major is going to happen — we never seem to have much to talk about, despite the fact that he’s a nice guy. It’s incredibly pleasurable to cuddle with him, but as for sex, it’s more tender and gentle than exciting and adventurous. Tender and gentle is nice, but — well — I think the mouth plays a big role in sexual activity, and he doesn’t seem to agree. He’s not a very deep kisser, and he doesn’t use his mouth for anything else. And last week I was kissing his neck (something I really enjoy) and he seemed paranoid about me leaving marks there. That wasn’t going to happen — but it did kind of lower the enjoyment level, not being able to do that.

But my romantic life is the primary area in which I have learned (thanks to several of my readers) that analysis is not necessary and, in fact, can even be counterproductive. So I’ll just say that I don’t think anything permanent is going to happen here, at least not romantically. But again, who knows.

Work

I have been offered and have accepted a job as an attorney for the state of New Jersey. It won’t begin until late September or early October, and my current job ends September 7, so I’ll have a few weeks’ gap in which I’ll probably have to temp or something in order to keep the cash flowing in.

But on top of that, I have two other job interviews scheduled. (Thanks, you-know-who, for helping me revise my resumé. Apparently it helped!) One interview is with a legal publishing company this afternoon; another is with a law firm next week. I even had an interview last week with another legal publisher, but I decided it was a job I didn’t want. Both of these pending interviews are for jobs that would pay me a little more than I’d make as a state attorney, and I’d start sooner — both of which are pluses.

Home

This morning I looked at an apartment just a few blocks from where I currently live, at a monthly rent $350 cheaper than my current monthly rent. On top of that, the neighborhood is quieter and the place has a dishwasher, washer and dryer, and cable (none of which my current place has), and the landlord pays for utilities! One drawback is that it’s a basement apartment and doesn’t have as much light as my current place, but I’ve lived in basement apartments before and I can do so again. I found the place through a broker and I was the first person to see it, and I liked it, so I put down a refundable deposit, which means they’ll hold it for me (they won’t show it to anyone else) and they’ll run a credit check. I’d probably be moving in October 1.

Things are looking up!

Leisure

I’ve really been a homebody these last couple of weeks. I’ve hung out with people, but not as often as I usually do. I’ve been doing lots of reading. I read The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle last week, and yesterday I finished Richard Tarnas’s The Passion of the Western Mind, which presents a broad overview of Western philosophy. The latter told a great story and I know lots more about philosophy now than I did a week ago. Tarnas ends the book with this sort of wacky thesis, though, and I wonder if his presentation of the material in the book is tainted by the thesis he’s trying to present. At any rate — it was a valuable book for me.

Maybe I miss being in school, or maybe my brain is looking for things to crunch on, but at any rate, lately I’ve decided that I want to work my way through the Great Books. Homer. Plato. Aristotle. Dante. Et cetera. I really never had direct exposure to the foundations of Western civilization — somehow I managed to go through high school and college without ever having taken a course in Western philosophy or classical history or anything like that. I feel like these great books have things they can teach me; I feel they can enhance my life in some way — I’m not sure in what way, but there must be some reason they are still believed to hold value.

To that end, I’ve bought two books — How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler and The New Lifetime Reading Plan by Clifton Fadiman. The former is about how to get the most out of a book and concludes with a list of Great Books. The latter is a list of Great Books and a collection of very short introductory essays on each one. I bought these at the Barnes & Noble on 18th Street and 5th Avenue, which is billed as “The World’s Largest Bookstore.” I have no way of verifying that claim, but it had the most extensive history and philosophy sections I’ve seen at any New York City Barnes & Noble.

And, having visited that store, I’ve now been to every Barnes & Noble on the island of Manhattan. That’s something to shoot for, eh?

So. That’s what’s been going on my life recently. I realize there’s little high drama, or even low drama, and I apologize if that makes for unexciting reading. But what’s good for the reader is sometimes bad for the writer, and vice versa.

Another thing… I may continue to post old diary entries here. It seems kind of fun. It also keeps me from having to think of things to write about. If current events in my life aren’t dramatic enough, maybe past events are…
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