Now this is more like it. Proper use of the Irony Toolbox. (Read previous entry to find out what I’m talking about.)

The Irony Toolbox!™

Usually I’m kind of careful about what I write here, because I don’t want to come across looking stupid or petty or resentful. But I really want to confess a deep, dark secret that nobody who has a blog is supposed to talk about. Here’s the confession: sometimes I worry about how popular I am.

Isn’t that stupid? It’s totally stupid. And yet unless you’re a Zen Buddhist monk, you worry about these things, because you’re human, and humans have emotions, and humans deal with self-esteem issues, except for maybe George W. Bush, because he doesn’t have a self-reflective bone in his body. But here at The Tin Man we don’t care about him, because we’re Democrats.

I’ve noticed that the number of people who read my blog has not increased significantly in the last couple of months. I know that I shouldn’t be concerned with popularity. I should be doing this blog for myself. That’s what art and writing and self-expression are all about, right? Doing it for yourself. And yet… see previous paragraph. We wants to be popular. We wants it, my Precious. Cruel hobbitses.

Why are some blogs much more popular than others? Why do some bloggers routinely get 20-25 comments appended to their entries, whereas some people get none? What do I have to do? Do I have to write short, snazzy entries? Do I have to sell mugs? Do I have to think up a witty ironic slogan?

I hate witty ironic slogans. I’m sorry, but I think Witty Ironic Slogans are a symbol of the laziness of our culture. It’s like you’re selling a product. It’s a sign that television and its attendant consumerism really have pervaded our lives. TV commercials have had Witty Ironic Slogans for a long time, but now even movies have them. Let’s say there’s a movie called “Ghost Passage.” When you see a commercial for “Ghost Passage,” they don’t just say “Ghost Passage.” No, when you see a commercial for “Ghost Passage,” words will flash up on the screen one by one: DON’T [flash] FORGET [flash] YOUR LIFEBOAT [flash]. Oooh! Scary! Is J Lo in it?

But does it have to happen to blogs, too? Is that the only way to be “creative” in our culture today? If it’s merely an attempt to be ironic, then, well, I’m sorry — the Witty Ironic Slogan isn’t ironic anymore. It’s faux-ironic. It’s surface irony without any ironic substance underneath. Irony is supposed to make a point about something in society, not just look cool. The Witty Ironic Slogan has passed into cliché. It’s like it’s 1986 and you’re still carrying around a Return of the Jedi lunchbox. The Witty Ironic Slogan so clearly says, “Look, I’m trying to be cool.” You may as well just use metatags: <attempt at coolness> </ attempt at coolness>. It’s just as blatantly obvious. If you’re trying to be cool by staying within the predetermined boundaries of coolness, then you’re not really being cool anymore. You’re playing at being original. It’s like David Foster Wallace and his incessant footnoting. It’s gotten stale. Witty-Ironic-Slogan-as-irony is so 1990s. Yes, we know we live in an advertisement-saturated culture. Point taken. Get on with it.

Your blog doesn’t need a slogan. It doesn’t need a signifier. It just needs to be.

Unadorned sincerity starts to seem refreshing. I don’t want to get all Jedediah Purdy here, but I guess I resent the fact that people who write short, snappy entries with links to computer-industry-related stories or things in the news, or people who set their sites up to look like postmodern ironic faux-advertisement things, seem to get more readers than people who write heartfelt, detailed entries about their personal lives. But on the other hand I guess that makes sense. This really isn’t a general-interest blog. I mean, who the fuck wants to read about an anxiety-ridden gay man in the New York metro area? I probably wouldn’t want to read about me. More people can relate to a short, snappy link-‘n’-commentary™ about something in the general interest. And it takes time to read long blog entries, whereas most people in our multitasking/attention-deficit-disorder culture can’t bear to spend more than 30 seconds reading something without finding something else to do.

Did you notice that trademark symbol I used in the previous paragraph? That was straight out of the Irony Toolbox. And capitalizing the initial letters of Witty Ironic Slogan is straight out of the Irony Toolbox also. And so is capitalizing the initial letters of Irony Toolbox. It’s happening to me, too! We can’t escape the Irony Toolbox. Even worse, we’ve forgotten what the tools are for.

I understand that people may not want to take the time to read my entries or just may not relate to them. Or maybe I’m just not entertaining enough for the masses. That could be.

Oh, well. I guess I’ll just keep on doing what I’m doing and not worry about what other people think. But if that’s the case, I might as well go back to putting my thoughts into spiral notebooks that I keep hidden away. Like that’s any fun.

Complaints to the Management

1) It’s hot and humid out.

2) I called the Division of Law this morning to find out why I haven’t received a hiring decision in the mail yet, and it turns out that there are rumors of a hiring freeze. I might not get a decision for another two or three weeks. And my last day of work at my current job is August 17. I could wind up having no job a month from now. Or what if I get hired but I get put in Trenton? I have no luck when it comes to finding jobs. I have a LAW DEGREE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA and I practically live in NEW YORK CITY and nobody ever seems to want to hire me, and I never know where to send my resumé. I’m going to be poor for the rest of my life and I’m never going to make anything of myself. Yeah, I can write, but I’m lazy.

3) Yesterday I got an e-mail from Yale Boy, asking me how my Fourth of July was and suggesting we get together for coffee sometime. Cool, I thought. So last night I called him and we talked for a little. I have plans tomorrow and Thursday, so I suggested Friday night. He responded, “Well, I was planning to go out on Friday night, and I kind of meant this as a weekday kind of thing.” What the heck does that mean? I’m not good enough for a weekend? Is there some sort of hierarchy? It feels like something out of “Seinfeld.” Anyway, it made me feel like crap.

4) Last night I got together for coffee with the tall red-haired guy. He’s someone I hooked up with about a month ago. I ran into him on the street over the weekend and he suggested we get together for coffee, so we did. He’s 29 years old and he just moved out of Manhattan and bought a place in Jersey City. He knows how to put down wood flooring. Not me. He seems world-capable. Not me. I told him I hoped to move to Manhattan, and he told me it requires a salary of $100,000 to live in Manhattan. With his words he caused me to realize how poor I am and how empty my life feels. He seemed kind of judgmental, to be honest. Didn’t seem to be much of a positive thinker. On top of that, no sex happened afterwards. At the time I was kind of disappointed, but in retrospect maybe that was a good thing. I should stop having sex when what I really want from someone is emotional intimacy.

5) Lately I’ve been reconsidering the idea of playwriting. I took a playwriting course in college. I’m very good at writing dialogue but I know nothing about structure or ideas and I wouldn’t know what to write about. And last night I went to Barnes & Noble and browsed through the drama section. And I thought, there’s so much competition out there. What the hell do I know? People with more talent than me write plays that never even get produced. And when they do get produced they get savaged by critics. And even if they don’t get savaged by critics, people enjoy them and then move on to the next guy’s play. So what’s the point in trying to write one? Especially when I don’t even feel like I have the talent?

6) This morning I accidentally swallowed half a mouthful of sour milk.