Snow

I watched the evening news a while ago and found out that because of the impending snowstorm, all state offices in New Jersey are closed tomorrow. All non-essential state employees should stay home! I, a non-essential state employee, feel pure joy right now.

I have my coworker’s house all to myself. I had it all to myself on Friday night, and all day yesterday, and all day today, and now I find I have it to myself all day tomorrow, too. I love being here. After having gone through several days of hell last week, the last few days have been pure heaven. It makes me think that maybe there really is some higher power out there, looking out for me. I feel so relaxed. It’s amazing how much your surroundings can affect the quality of your life.

This afternoon I listened to Die Valkyrie, which takes up four CDs. You can really lose yourself in Wagner’s music. And with tomorrow a blank slate to fill as I please, I plan to get lost in his music again; I’ll listen to Siegfried, the third opera of the Ring. It takes up four CDs as well. Why not? I have the whole day to hibernate indoors while the snow rages outside.

This morning I decided that I should probably have some food around, so I went to the supermarket. It was a madhouse. I’d never seen checkout lines as long as they were this morning — eleven or twelve lanes, each lane at least ten people deep. You’d think the apocalypse was coming; you’d think people were going to be stuck in their homes for a whole week. Why does this sort of consumer panic happen?

I couldn’t find a cart or even a basket, so I had to carry what I could. Having waited until the last minute to stock up, I felt like a member of the lazy unwashed masses. (I was in fact unwashed, and unshaven, too; I think I have four days’ growth of beard right now.) Anyway, I didn’t need much; I bought milk, bread, sliced turkey, two frozen pizzas, two apples, an orange, and a bottle of Splash juice (that stuff is delicious). Then when I got back to the house I realized I hadn’t bought the Sunday New York Times. I could just as easily read it on the Web, but it’s nicer to stretch out with the paper on the floor or the couch, and it would be nice to have it during a snowstorm. Also, you can’t do the Sunday crossword on the Web. So I went back out and tried three different convenience stores until I found the Times. I was so relieved. I guess that was my own form of consumer panic. (Although, while at the convenience store, I picked up some more things: two cans of soup, a bottle of ginger ale, two rolls (better for sandwiches than bread), and a box of Entenmann’s soft baked chocolate chip cookies. More than half the box is gone now.)

Anyway, it’s around midnight now, and there’s barely any snow on the ground. Most of it is supposed to come tomorrow. I feel so nice and secure and warm in this house by myself, sitting here typing on my laptop, listening to classical music on WQXR. This is a real blessing. Thank you, whoever you are.

Music, Laziness, Life, Love and Time

Last night I did what I said I was going to do, although slightly out of order. I got here to the house around 6 and napped until 8. Then I was feeling hungry, so I got dressed and went out in search of Chinese food. I walked around until I found a shopping center, and sure enough — like most shopping centers — there was a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a pint of hot and sour soup and a dinner combination — chicken with broccoli, fried rice, and an egg roll. I’m sure all of this was incredibly unhealthy, but so what — I’m thin. I walked back to the house, set up a nice Chinese meal, and watched TV. Afterward, I put on Das Rheingold and stretched out with the libretto. Then I went to bed around midnight, slept for many hours, woke up a few times, and finally got up around 10:45 in the morning.

All day I’ve pretty much done nothing. For the first time in a very long time, I listened to the weekly live Metropolitan Opera broadcast — it was Manon by Jules Massenet. I don’t know, sometimes I think I like the idea of opera more than I actually like opera. Listening to it, I never quite like it as much as I expect to. I think I need to let something else inside myself go in order to fully enjoy it.

(But I have to agree with Dean about Shostakovich.)

I was dozing off earlier, listening to New York’s classical music station, WQXR, and I suddenly had a desire to go into the city and get a ticket to the New York Philharmonic, being led tonight by guest conductor Colin Davis, or the Vienna Philarmonic, being led tonight by Pierre Boulez at Carnegie Hall. Ahh, it’s great living where I do… and were I home in Jersey City, closer to Manhattan than I am right now, I might have done it, but I’ve been revelling in my laziness today.

Earlier I wrote in my journal and realized what I’d really love to be doing tonight. I’d love to be out with someone I love, or even with a friend. With that person, I’d like to go to the symphony, followed by a long, relaxing dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by drinks either at a jazz club or a gay bar.

Do successful relationships require that the two people share common interests? Or can it be okay if they have different interests, as long as their personalities mesh? I don’t know.

When I was writing this evening, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized that one’s 20’s might not be the easiest time to fall in love with someone. A friend of mine says the 20’s are all about survival. (Of course, he’s only 24, so it’s not like he’s an expert.) Suppose I don’t fall in love until my late 30’s, or after? That actually made me excited, because I thought, wow — I have a great future to look forward to, with a great guy, probably someone I haven’t even met yet. Which means that in the meantime, I should be able to just enjoy myself, and not worry about whether someone is that guy or not, and just have fun.

I usually find it hard to do that — to just live in the moment. I’m worrying about the significance of what I’m doing, if it’s enhancing my life in any way, if it’s helping set a good groundwork for a better future. I find it hard to just let go. I’m afraid of time slipping through my fingers like sand. Why? Because I feel like I’ve missed out on things in life, and that I have to move at double speed to catch up. But that only compounds the problem, because I’ll never catch up if I do that; I’ll just find that I’ve missed out on more things.

Other times I think, wow, I’m so young! I have so much to look forward to. I have time to change myself. I have time. Sometimes I stupidly think that life ends at 30, but it doesn’t. You can have a terrific life at any age.

I have time.

My Evening Plans

You know what I’m going to do tonight? I’m going to take full advantage of having my co-worker’s nice quiet house to myself. I’m going to relax there, and I’m going to listen to the rest of Das Rheingold — the first of the four Ring operas — as I follow along in the libretto, and then I might move on to Die Valkyrie. Or, if I get tired of that, I’ll chill out and watch TV. I’ll get take-out Chinese and I’ll just sit there on the floor, eat tasty Chinese food, and watch TV. I’ll stay up until I get tired and then I’ll go to bed, and I’ll sleep late tomorrow morning. Oh my god, I’m going to be in heaven. This is like a mini-vacation.