Scenes From a Marriage

Scenes From a Marriage:

A couple describes what it was like in Cambridge, Massachusetts, early yesterday morning, as they got their marriage license.

There are times when I think people are capable of not being so bad after all — times when it’s impossible to keep the grin from spreading, and you wonder if you’re really worthy of all this spontaneous stranger-loving goodwill, and maybe they should save it for the elderly ladies who must’ve been through so much more. I feel like a kid — a 28-year-old who’s lucky and ahead of the game, even though my straight peers all seem already married and property-owning, but they’re in such a different world, these guys are closer, really, and even the straight cheerleaders can’t quite know what it’s about, though they’re intoxicated by it all, too. I love you, Brian.

Peter was there, too, and he took this picture.

Gay Marriage

A year ago, gay couples weren’t allowed to have sex in Texas. As of today, those same couples can move to Massachusetts and get married.

As they say in “Rent,” how do you measure a year?

Here’s the front page of today’s Boston Globe: “Free to Marry.” And here’s Howard Dean on gay marriage, also in today’s Globe.

You know, I’m realizing that gay Vermonters have basically been able to do for the last four years what gay Massachusetts residents are able to do as of today, except that it’s called something different. Both states now grant gay couples all the same rights as straight couples, and neither arrangement is recognized by the federal government. There was a lot of criticism a few months ago that calling such an arrangment a “civil union” as opposed to a “marriage” would have set up a scheme that was supposedly “separate but equal,” a concept that was deemed a failure 50 years ago today. But would it really be unequal?

In school segregation, separate was unequal, but that was because all-blacks schools didn’t receive the same funding and support as all-white schools and were therefore patently inferior. One benefit of integration was supposed to be that racist local governments would no longer be able to provide benefits to white students without also granting them to non-white students, because the students would all be mixed up in the same schools. In other words, it wasn’t the lack of white people per se that made black schools inferior, but rather the unequal funding and attention given to all-black schools. In fact, there are liberals today who disagree with Brown, who support the idea of separate schools for blacks as a way of instilling racial pride and identity. There are also those who think that Brown would have been better decided had the Supreme Court instead chosen to rigorously enforce “separate but equal,” which would have forced states either to create equal schools or just cry “Uncle” and integrate.

The point, anyway, is that it is not separateness itself that creates inequality, but rather the way that that separateness is dealt with. Vermont civil unions and Massachusetts gay marriages are completely the same, as I mentioned above. The only way they could be treated unequally is if the federal government someday recognizes all marriages, gay or straight, leaving Vermont “civilly-united” couples in the dust. But I think that if the federal government (whether of its own volition or under order of the U.S. Supreme Court) takes the big step of recognizing gay marriage, it will be such a seismic shift that there will be no logical or psychological reason not to recognize civil unions as well. After all, it’s just semantics. We’re talking about marriage as a civil institution (courts can’t force churches to do anything), so does it really matter whether a governmentally-recognized same-sex relationship is called a civil union or a civil marriage?

To some degree, yes. The real legal breakthrough might have occurred four years ago in Vermont, but today has great symbolic value. First, it just feels wonderful to think that there are now legally-married gay couples in the United States. Second, symbolism can lead to substance, because symbolism can affect the way people think about things. Calling legal gay relationships “marriage” forces people to think about equality and gay relationships, and it really puts the idea out there for people to see.

The causes of change are really murky. As one of my law professors argues in today’s Times, Brown did not lead to integrated schools; a shift in society’s views was first required. But a court decision can affect society’s views. Change occurs due to lots of “soft” factors. It wasn’t the Goodridge decision alone that led to legal gay marriage in Massachusetts, but rather Stonewall, the AIDS crisis, Rock Hudson, Clinton’s 1992 courting of the gay vote, Ellen DeGeneres, Matthew Shepard, and Lawrence v. Texas, as well as lots and lots of people coming out of the closet and thereby enlightening their families and friends, as well as lots of other things that are unmeasurable, that led to today.

So the word is not necessarily crucial, but it does matter. Civil unions are not inherently unequal, and marriage does not make everything equal. The word does not automatically make other people respect you or your relationship. But it’s one of those little things that, combined with other things, eventually creates change. You can’t control change — it’s like chaos theory. But you do what you can.

Therefore, congratulations, all you happily-married gay couples!

And save me some cake.

I’m Back

I’m back from San Diego.

It was a wonderfully uneventful week. I learned a lot from my seminar; I went for long walks along the promenade of Coronado, on the San Diego Bay; I read much of “Cryptonimicon” on my own private patio attached to the back of my big hotel room (I’d been reading “Cryptonomicon” for a few weeks and finally finished it this afternoon); I walked through Hillcrest, San Diego’s gay neighborhood (I’ve decided that there is some International Language of Gay, because gay people look the same everywhere, or at least the same sub-groups exist everywhere). Anyway, the week went by in a big fast blur.

So I’m home, and it’s so nice to be back on my regular computer instead of using my old slow crappy laptop, which for some reason wouldn’t let me log into my Movable Type account. Thanks to Matt for posting the previous entry for me, and also for taking care of comment spam while I was gone! *Mwah*.

I definitely want to return to California. (This was my first trip there in 14 years.) I’m hoping maybe Matt and I can visit San Francisco or something this summer. We definitely plan to go somewhere for a few days if we can manage it.

So anyway, I’m back and I’m alive, and it’s humid and I don’t feel like writing anymore right now. More later, then.