I spent most of today depressed and anxious about my future, and I really wasn’t in the mood to sit through five and a half hours of Parsifal tonight. I considered selling my ticket. I still hadn’t made up my mind once I’d gotten to the Met. I stood outside for a while, watching people haggle over tickets. But curiosity won out, and I went in, and the usher ripped my ticket in half and gave me the stub. No turning back.
Well, there sort of was. I left after the first act. (There are three acts.) Granted, the first act is nearly two hours long, so I saw a substantial chunk of the opera. And it was superbly done. But it was very slow, and besides that, I just couldn’t spend another three more hours sitting in a seat by myself at the opera. I wanted to be home, cuddling on the couch with Matt in front of the TV. Which is what I wound up doing instead. It was time much better spent.
Not even my therapist, whom I’ve been seeing for more than five years, seems to have a clear idea of what I should do with my life. For a few weeks I’d been thinking about a Ph.D. in history, which I’d thought about in the past. Then a couple of nights ago it hit me that a library science degree and going to work in a university library might be a much better idea. (Also an idea I’d thought about in the past.) But I had therapy this morning, and while talking about the idea, I got discouraged. (I read more about library science on Ask.MeFi today, and I got more discouraged.) Then my therapist suggested a Ph.D. again. I said that I’m not really interested in teaching so much as I’m interested in learning about a person or a historical topic and then writing a book about it. She said, then don’t spend all the time and money getting a Ph.D. Just write a book.
Sure, easy. I have no idea what I’d write about or even how to write a biography or history book, and there’d be no guarantee of success with a book if I somehow managed to write it, and in the meantime I’d still have to work a full-time job, and the point is to find something now that I love to do.
I really don’t see an out right now, and I feel like I’m never going to be happy.
This was pretty much my day.
It’s not a good feeling.