My dad has such power over me. I just got off the phone with him. (He’ll probably be reading this at some point.)
I’m not lazy.
He didn’t say I was lazy, but after the phone call, I had an imaginary conversation with him in my head in which he told me I was.
He called me to talk about job-search issues. To check up on me. I’ve sent out my resumé to one place so far. He asked me if I’d sent it to anyplace else, and I said I hadn’t. I flashed back to 16 years old (applying to college) and 25 years old (looking for jobs after law school), feeling guilty and completely incapable and unknowledgeable as a human being. I felt my shoulders tense up as I tried to retreat inside an intangible shell. And he wasn’t even here in person.
I’ve not been as active in the job hunt as I could be. But at my dad’s prompting I just contacted someone at another state agency, whom someone else who works at that agency had told me to contact, about sending them my resumé.
I didn’t feel like arguing with my dad because (1) I never know whether he’s right or not, and (2) I always feel like I’m wrong. (Those two things might not seem to make sense together, but believe me, they do.) And because I didn’t feel like arguing, I essentially clammed up.
Anyway, I might not be lazy, but I don’t know what I am. How about: strongly resistant.
I don’t know if my dad’s right, but I feel completely wrong.
I’m 32 years old and some things never change.