I Gave My Love a Cherry

Last night I gave Matt a Hanukkah present. I’d ordered it online, and it arrived yesterday in a plain, brown, slightly oblong box, about seven or eight inches long. Before wrapping the box, I took a black magic marker and crossed out the name of the company, because that would probably give away what the gift was.

He pulled off the wrapping paper and said, “This is sort of a strange-shaped box,” and he gave me a curious look. He couldn’t get the tape off the box, so I got some scissors and then he began cutting the tape away, becoming more suspicious by the second.

He opened the box and, beneath the bubble wrap, he vaguely saw something about six or seven inches long, with a circumference similar to that of a banana, and a look of shock crossed his face.

Then he removed the bubble wrap and realized it was a new TiVo remote, which I’d gotten to replace the one he’d lost a few years earlier.

He’d thought I’d gotten him a dildo, of course.

Upon hearing this, I became as embarrassed as he’d been a few seconds before.

I came into work late this morning, because on an impulse I decided to go to J&R and pick up “The Return of the King” Extended Edition, which was just released today. It cost $22.90, and there were several other people at the store buying it. Then I went back to Matt’s place and watched the first 20 minutes or so before deciding it was time to go to work.

I also went here and ordered a free slipcase for all three extended movies. There’s a $3 shipping/handling charge.

At some point I’ll have to sit down and watch all three extended movies, 11+ hours, back to back, after which I will curl up into the fetal position murmuring, “My precious…”

I awoke this morning from uneasy dreams to find myself transformed into a giant latke. Oil was oozing from my pores and I felt all starchy and crispy. I immediately got up and bathed myself in sour cream and apple sauce.

I went to not one, but two Hanukkah parties this weekend. Latkes and brisket and dessert were eaten. Wine and beer were drunk. Presents were opened. I received a Krups Panini Maker (which doubles as an all-purpose grill) and “Quantum Leap” Season One on DVD. I also got a cute little pen with cartoon snails on it from my six-year-old cousin. And she loved loved loved the “Princess and the Pauper” Barbie. Apparently it was something she had wanted. She also got the Barbie “Cali Girl” Pool Playset, which my brother and I spent quite a while putting together after she opened it. I think we had even more fun than she did.

I used to love playing with my Fisher Price Little People and my Super Powers action figures when I was a kid. But the stories I made up always had more of an emotional component than most kids’ stories, I think. I’d make up these big complicated soap operas broken up into shorter episodes that ended with cliffhangers. When I began watching TV soaps at 11 or 12 years old, it was really just a natural progression from that. Or maybe the TV soaps came first. I’m not really sure.

Anyway — no more latkes for me.

Not for a while, at least.