Music, Laziness, Life, Love and Time

Last night I did what I said I was going to do, although slightly out of order. I got here to the house around 6 and napped until 8. Then I was feeling hungry, so I got dressed and went out in search of Chinese food. I walked around until I found a shopping center, and sure enough — like most shopping centers — there was a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a pint of hot and sour soup and a dinner combination — chicken with broccoli, fried rice, and an egg roll. I’m sure all of this was incredibly unhealthy, but so what — I’m thin. I walked back to the house, set up a nice Chinese meal, and watched TV. Afterward, I put on Das Rheingold and stretched out with the libretto. Then I went to bed around midnight, slept for many hours, woke up a few times, and finally got up around 10:45 in the morning.

All day I’ve pretty much done nothing. For the first time in a very long time, I listened to the weekly live Metropolitan Opera broadcast — it was Manon by Jules Massenet. I don’t know, sometimes I think I like the idea of opera more than I actually like opera. Listening to it, I never quite like it as much as I expect to. I think I need to let something else inside myself go in order to fully enjoy it.

(But I have to agree with Dean about Shostakovich.)

I was dozing off earlier, listening to New York’s classical music station, WQXR, and I suddenly had a desire to go into the city and get a ticket to the New York Philharmonic, being led tonight by guest conductor Colin Davis, or the Vienna Philarmonic, being led tonight by Pierre Boulez at Carnegie Hall. Ahh, it’s great living where I do… and were I home in Jersey City, closer to Manhattan than I am right now, I might have done it, but I’ve been revelling in my laziness today.

Earlier I wrote in my journal and realized what I’d really love to be doing tonight. I’d love to be out with someone I love, or even with a friend. With that person, I’d like to go to the symphony, followed by a long, relaxing dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by drinks either at a jazz club or a gay bar.

Do successful relationships require that the two people share common interests? Or can it be okay if they have different interests, as long as their personalities mesh? I don’t know.

When I was writing this evening, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized that one’s 20’s might not be the easiest time to fall in love with someone. A friend of mine says the 20’s are all about survival. (Of course, he’s only 24, so it’s not like he’s an expert.) Suppose I don’t fall in love until my late 30’s, or after? That actually made me excited, because I thought, wow — I have a great future to look forward to, with a great guy, probably someone I haven’t even met yet. Which means that in the meantime, I should be able to just enjoy myself, and not worry about whether someone is that guy or not, and just have fun.

I usually find it hard to do that — to just live in the moment. I’m worrying about the significance of what I’m doing, if it’s enhancing my life in any way, if it’s helping set a good groundwork for a better future. I find it hard to just let go. I’m afraid of time slipping through my fingers like sand. Why? Because I feel like I’ve missed out on things in life, and that I have to move at double speed to catch up. But that only compounds the problem, because I’ll never catch up if I do that; I’ll just find that I’ve missed out on more things.

Other times I think, wow, I’m so young! I have so much to look forward to. I have time to change myself. I have time. Sometimes I stupidly think that life ends at 30, but it doesn’t. You can have a terrific life at any age.

I have time.