Palm-Stroking
I slept at his place again last night. I’m exhausted.
He called me around 9:30. Turned out we were both in the middle of laundry. We talked for a while and made plans for Thursday night (he’s going to cook). But then he invited me to sleep over, so I did. Walking at a normal pace, door to door, it took me five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. It’s insane how close we are.
He had cooked something and was putting away leftovers. He has a big collection of Bon Appetit magazines. I waited for him to clean dishes while we talked. After that, I waited for him to finish folding laundry. I was feeling impatient. I wanted to sleep with him.
Later, we’re lying down, staring into each other’s eyes. He tells me I’m cute. I tell him he’s cute too. Our faces inches from each other, he looks at me with a smile on his face, then shakes his head in awe. “Ya kill me,” he says, laughing as if in disbelief that he’s found someone like me. Then, later, in bed, holding me in the darkness: “Jeff… you’re such a special guy.”
Later he’s snoring. We’re still snuggled up together. My hand is on his chest. I feel/listen to him breathe. This is bliss. I could lie against him like this forever. It’s like our bodies are made for each other.
As I lie there, Brad’s words keep coming into my mind, over and over, like a mantra:
Less over-thinking, more palm-stroking.
I’m trying.
Here’s a caveat: The rest of this entry is neurotic. Yes, go ahead and shake your collective heads in consternation. Oh, that Tin Man. There he goes again. Why can’t the guy just relax? I know, there’s no need for me to be thinking such neurotic thoughts right now, I should probably just be enjoying the moment. But despite all my efforts to the contrary, these are the thoughts I’m having. I wish I weren’t having them. But I can’t seem to control them. I wish my brain didn’t work the way it does.
By putting these thoughts into words, I’m possibly giving them greater acknowledgment than they deserve.
With that caveat in mind, here goes.
I have some doubts. What do he and I have in common? I’m not sure. We both like theater. What else? How much should two people have in common? Is chemistry enough, or not? What will we talk about?
Last night, lying in bed, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he snored, I realized with unease that I’d hardly seen any books in the place. I wonder if he reads.
And then this morning, he woke up at 6 so he could go to the gym for a run. This after hardly any sleep in the last couple of nights. When he got back, I was still in his bed, having fallen back asleep. I was woken up by a loud CREEEEEK as he opened his ironing board. He was ironing to the sound of 1010 WINS, one of New York’s all-news radio stations. I’m really not a fast-paced morning-media person. It’s too much adrenaline, too early. And yet, barely any sleep and he was rarin’ to go. He told me that he’s totally wired in the morning and that he knows that it gets to some people, even his boss sometimes. I felt as dead as a salmon. I felt sloth-like and guilty, reinforcing what a lazy unsuccessful guy I’ve felt like lately.
I came home. Instead of crawling back into bed for another half hour, I showered and dressed and made some eggs and ironed some clothes. Trying to be more of a morning person. As I ironed I listened to NPR’s “Morning Edition” for the first time in ages. Not 1010 WINS. National Public Radio. That’s more my style.
Will I be able to stand him? Maybe we’re not really compatible. What will happen when he realizes that I’m lazy and unmotivated and unsure of myself?
And yet he seems wild about me. I have no idea why. Why is this Type-A, pretty cute, outgoing, former frat guy interested in me? What does he see in me? This isn’t self-deprecation. The fact is, he barely knows me. He doesn’t know I’m neurotic. All he knows, apparently, is that I’m a nice guy, and intelligent, and apparently cute.
Is that enough for him?
Maybe it is enough for him. Maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe he wouldn’t care. Maybe he’s not as judgmental as I am.
Maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental, either.
Maybe I should just let me be me and let him be him and maybe that will be enough.
Am I just afraid of getting too close?
I’m not sure what it all means.
Again — this multitude of thoughts is competing with one other, simpler thought:
Less over-thinking, more palm-stroking.
I’m trying. I really am. Because that one simple thought seems so much more appealing than all this internal fiddle-faddle.
*sigh* (“This is bliss…”)
Then comes the Caveat. *sigh* (a different kind of sigh…)
TinMan, let me repeat Brad’s wise words: “Less over-thinking, more palm-stroking.”
Less over-thinking, more palm-stroking!
May I take the initiative to smack you with a 2×4, please? Anything to get you to stop being so damn pensive about everything! Did you enjoy your evening? yes? Good. All you have to worry about is the next. When that one comes, you only worry about the one after that. The silliest thing you could ever do is worry about your future with someone before you even know him. It’s pointless. Also, it could send him screaming off into the night.
And did it ever occur to you that maybe he likes you for not being like him? It can be afully boring to date a carbon copy of yourself, someone who thinks like you and likes all the same things. I’ve always found that the best times I’ve ever had were with guys who had just enough in common for us to get the ball rolling, so we could then actually disocver new things from each other.
But again, even worrying about that would be getting WAY ahead of yourself. Just freakin’ relax already! It’s not such a shock that someone might enjoy your company, you know.
Well the caveat didn’t seem to keep the groans and the sighs away. But nice try!
Go with the chemistry. Go with fact that he seems wild about you. At this stage those truths seem a lot more important than how many books he has on his shelves.
It could be kind of useful to wake up with a morning person. I’m sure that sharing my bed with a morning person would be a great influence on me.
i think anyone who claims to be certain about someone they’ve just met is either blind or delusional. of course you’re worried about him: if there was nothing to worry about, if he seemed perfect, you could rest assured that underneath he was a neo-nazi. be glad that his imperfections are visible. if you like him despite his, he can/will like you despite yours.
advice that got me thru the first couple months of my present relationship: no honesty without doubt.
try repeating that. there’s nothing wrong w/ thinking as long as thinking doesn’t make you run away from something good.
What you are having is a primarily physical relationship with a nice stranger. Don’t be confused about it; all the warmth and cuddling is great, but keep your expectations low, because at that level, there is nothing more to ‘him’ except your projection of ‘him’.
I find that trying to ‘talk’ about ‘where we are’ in a relationship like this is counterproductive. It is action and deeds, not words, that allow for there to be a sense of continuity. If you keep making plans and meeting each other, and reciprocating, and having fun and being nice, maybe something more will blossom. If you express to him your perfectly legitimate thoughts about future uncertainty, you will sabotage whatever nice might happen.
Let the present-tense surprise and delight you. Let his words in bed comfort you. But don’t impose on him the things that you idealize in a man or partner. I know it’s hard, but if you lower the bar and set your own limits, you won’t be disappointed.
Umm, did you just say “He doesn’t know I’m neurotic”?
Har har. Oh I’m sure he has a clue.
Apart from that necessary teasing, no matter how hard we try or don’t try, we don’t plan the future. Good fucking luck with that. So stop.
You’re going to start enjoying us all being mean to you pretty soon, so I’m going to start nodding and smiling when you get like this.
Today, dumpling. Keep the focus on today. What does the Tin Man want to do today? The rest of your life is unknowable, unplannable, and surprising.
TM–
Listen to Jonathan and Choire. Take it a day at a time, a date at a time, a sleepover at a time. It’s too early to really KNOW much of anything. The concerns you raise are completely valid…not a one of them is trite or silly…it’s just a bit early to start obsessing over them.
Don’t worry “what does he see in me?” Take it at face face value that he DOES see something in you.. hell, I think you’ve got a lot to offer and I’ve never even met you in person.
less thinking! more making out!
really, honey. i believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. keep up with the doom and gloom and that’s exactly what you will get.
the point is, he *likes* you. that’s enough. enjoy now, brood later.
who the hell knows what is ever going to happen, anyway?
lots of luck, and just roll with it baby-
xoxo
Everybody above seems to be telling you to stop thinking and roll with the moment.
But maybe you don’t want that kind of relationship. Maybe you don’t want a “roll with the moment” relationship. Maybe you want a relationship that is centered around thinking, and planning, and thinking & planning together.
It is very easy for a blog reader to jump in and say, “You ought to do this! Do what I say!” — especially where relationships are involved, because so many of us have had so many relationships, and we are so full of stories to tell about how acting “too intense” will scare people away. Because, often, acting “too intense” will scare some people away. So what! If you are, actually, an intense person — and from my reading and talking with you, you ARE, then … well … pretending you’re not an intense person won’t work for long.
Hey … some of us LIKE people who are “too intense.” Some of us LIKE people who appear neurotic. Some of us LIKE people who let us hear their innermost thoughts from the get-go, even the worried-scared-I’m-not-sure thoughts.
In the area of relationships people are always bursting with (usually bad) advice, but you really just have to be yourself. If yourself is neurotic, be neurotic. Don’t twist yourself into a pretzel in an attempt to “relax”.
Somebody (maybe this guy, maybe not) will like you just the way you are. I fail to see the utility of acting like somebody you aren’t, for the first couple weeks or so, and then letting yourself act like yourself later, after the “relationship” has supposedly taken off …
Jeff, just sit back and enjoy the ride. You really can’t say if you are ‘compatible’ or not for a time to come.
There are sparks or there are non.
If there are no spraks, they might come, but probably won’t.
If there are sparks fully enjoy that bit of a relationship and worry about the rest later. Just remember how you listened to his breathing at night and hold that moment. Accepting love is a matter of not refusing it :-)
Let me join the chorus: Jeff, your reaction would scare the bejesus out of me if I were in your date’s shoes. You’re behaving like someone with emotional OCD. Maybe VE is right and you’ll find someone who wants that same intensity right from the get-go; I’m sure he’s right in saying that you won’t be able to hide it for long.
But, let me give you my perspective based on my experience: rather than finding someone else who really wants an intense relationship (is that what you want?), you’re more likely to be setting yourself up for a painful fall. That’s why we’re all reacting like this. We can see it coming, and we don’t want to see you get hurt.
“Look out behind you.”