How long should you wait before having sex?
Three dates. At least.
That’s what I paid 25 bucks to learn last spring. A friend and I went to a one-night Gay Dating Workshop, run by a gay dating coach. The flyer promised that we’d learn the answers to several questions, including, What are the best places to find men? How can you get a date in one minute flat? How long should you wait before having sex?
I was most interested in that last question, since that’s the topic that has most mystified me during my relatively short time out of the closet.
Unfortunately, the answer was smuggled into a long monologue toward the end of the workshop:
…yadayadayadathat’swhyIsayyoushouldwaitthreedates beforehavingsexyadayadayadaya…
You could see all the ears in the room grow fully erect. Heads swerved. Pencils scribbled. People whispered. “How many dates?” “I didn’t hear him. What did he say?” One guy raised his hand, hoping for an elaboration, but the workshop came to an end, and there was no time for group questions.
Since the coach (Go team go! Homosexuals rah rah rah! Fuck that ass! …sorry) didn’t bother to explain his three-date rule, I had to guess the reason on my own. I came up with the following possible explanations:
1) After three dates, the sex will be more meaningful and enjoyable, because sex is more meaningful and enjoyable when you know the person better.
2) You’ll cut down on the amout of casual sex you have, and maybe this is a good thing.
3) You’ll cut down on the confusion; you’ll have a better idea of what both guys are looking for; it’s less likely you’ll later have to ask yourself, or him, “What did this sex mean?”
4) You’ll improve your interpersonal skills.
5) You’ll the avoid the problem of having sex too soon, then abandoning the effort to get to know the guy better, and potentially missing out on someone wonderful.
Armed with these arguments, I decided to try out the three-date rule.
I went on three dates with a guy, and by the end of the third date, I realized I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him. And I think he gave up on me anyway, since I hadn’t put out after three dates. We didn’t go out again. (I ran into him several months later at the Duplex and sat on his lap while he fondled my genitals, but that’s another story.)
Sometimes I’ve tried the one-date rule. This means I go out with a guy, have sex, and never see him again.
Other times I’ve tried the two-date rule. This means I go out with a guy once, go out with him again, have sex, and never see him again.
And then there’s the no-date rule, or the Internet hookup, which doesn’t even involve going out; I have sex and never see him again.
Is three dates some magic threshhold? If you have sex after three dates, can you not not see the guy again? If you have sex after three or more dates, are you married or something?
I think that after three dates, you have to worry about ruining the friendship.
Maybe guys just need to be clear about what they want from the get-go. But that’s not easy. Suppose you ask a guy, “Okay, you’ve just invited me back to your place, but I want to know, if we have sex, are you still interested in getting to know me?” If he says yes, it might be a false yes. He might not even be consciously lying. He might think he wants to get to know you better while really he’s just under the thrall of his libido. Our libidos will lie, cheat or even steal to get what they want, without even letting us, their rightful owners, know about it.
I know couples who have had sex on the first date and wound up together. I know couples who have waited and wound up together, too. And I know couples who have waited and not wound up together. It could be that there’s no correlation. It could be that if someone is the right person, he’s the right person, and you’ll wind up together whether or not you wait. And if he’s the wrong person, no amount of waiting can change that.
Ugh. Dating is messy. Let’s just go shopping.
No, not three dates at least; three dates AT MOST. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a rule. It’s all about context. And yes, it’s difficult. What’s worthwhile that isn’t difficult? (Answer: a nap.)
I never thought about it as a rule, but come to think of it… I guess I’ve generally followed the three date rule, and been happy with it. Though I haven’t had the opportunity to abandon the three date rule for a while now.
Oh, I miss the Duplex! What a tacky, nasty bathroom. I need to go back to New York just for the Monster and the Duplex if nothing else. That was the first gay bar I ever dragged my sister too, and my mom was furious. “If I’d known bar hopping through village meant gay bars, then I wouldn’t have gone to my room and to bed so early!”
Misty water colored memories. *sigh*
Well, my partner and I both agree that if we had had sex on our first date, we probably wouldn’t be together today. Then it would have been a one-night stand, and those usually don’t go anywhere. This isn’t to say that every one-night stand is doomed; I just think it’s better to wait and get to know each other with your clothes on first.
Dougie and I knew each other as friends for years because we dated, so that made it easier. On the first date, we didn’t even kiss good night; we hugged. I went out of town for a week, and when I got back, we went out a second time. I honestly don’t remember at what point we finally had sex (which I define as anything sexual). I know it was fairly early on–perhaps a month or so into our relationship–but at that point it just felt…right. Not done coz we were both horny, but just the right step to take at that point.
And yeah, dating sucks (and not in a good way).
Hmm, I haven’t practiced the three date theory, but I am still single. So it could be true. Anyone up for a double-blind study with a control group?
rules schmules
if you like the boy, kiss him. if the kiss turns into something more, excellent. if it doesn’t, okay … so you kissed a boy
if it’s going to evolve into something more than sex, you’ll probably know it. sometimes (when it’s lucky), you both know it.
going on 11 years w/ my Larry … we’d both played all kinds of “rule” games beforehand, to varying degres of success.\When it’s right, you know.
There are no rules. Ask for your $25 back.
Get out there and meet people.
I recently attended a six session “group discussion” (i.e., group therapy) on gay relationships — where to meet people, how to know if you’re ready for one, how to feed, nurture and walk one, etc. etc etc.
Three MONTHS before having sex is the consensus from this group.
That’s right… months, not dates.
(I can’t remember the last time I even dated anyone for three months in a row.)
You’re supposed to discuss this situation with your partner beforehand, such as, “I want to wait to have sex for three months to get to know you because I think this has the potential to become a long-term thing.”
When I mentioned I thought it was unreasonable to wait three months, I was told that I was being judgmental and closeminded.
I wanted to think I needed a new therapist. On the other hand, it worked for him and he’s been in a very stable relationship for nearly ten years now.
But everyone outside of the group (who’s dating or in a relationship) says it’s complete crap. Nobody wants to commit to waiting if it’s that early in getting to know each other.
As one acquaintance said to me, “Would you ‘buy a car’ without test-driving it first?” (Actually, this guy did buy an SUV without driving it first, but that’s another story…)
I’m so confused… to fuck or not to fuck? And if so, when? Or not when?
Fuck it… you’re right. Let’s go shopping instead. I’ll buy lunch.