I know this is the fourth [title of show] post I’ve written in the last few days.
But I was just sitting at my cubicle listening to “Die Vampire, Die” on my iPod, and I got to the part that goes
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair. It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough.Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it’s the voice of reason.
and I started silently crying.
Now I’m typing this entry and it’s happening again.
One thing I noticed when I stopped taking Celexa a few months ago after 4 1/2 years is that the spigots got unblocked. It first happened to me while watching “Enchanted,” of all things. I’d forgotten what it was like for tears to well up so easily. I hadn’t even realized I’d forgotten.
Emotions seem much more feelable to me again these days.
Geez, the way you write about this show I fear I’m going to have to actually go and see it, or at least buy the album.
Thanks for the post–will have to go check this out.
FWIW, this same “unblocking” phenomenon happened to me about the same time as my first serious bout with depression and recovery. I wonder if it’s related? It’s frustrating. I tear up sometimes at stupid Hallmarky stuff on TV that I recognize is manipulative and insincere, as well as at real emotional things.
Long time reader but I don’t usually comment. I’ve actually been dealing with alot of bottling up lately, though I had never really connected it to my medication. When I was on Celexa, I didn’t really have any problems. Then, when I went through a time period of adjusting and trying new meds after the Celexa poopped out, I cried all the time. Now I’m on Lexapro and it is working pretty well. I kinda related my bottling up with all the bottling up that I had to do while caring for a sick relative last summer, but it hasn’t really stopped. Maybe it is the medication. Anyway, thanks for sharing and I’ll definately talk to my dr and therapist about that possibility.
I couldn’t handle SSRIs like Lexapro, Prozac, and Celexa. Lexapro gave me hot flashes and kept me up all night; Prozac and Celexa completely killed my sex drive. I had been on Wellbutrin for a while (shh, don’t tell my therapist, but I’ve been off it for the past two weeks or so) and that helped. I never felt the issue of feelings “bottling up.” Sentimental maudlin stuff sent me bawling like a schoolgirl. Serious things, however, sent me into black pits of nihilistic despair. The meds didn’t suppress the emotions but just made it so the black nihilistic despair was actually tied to real events, not random and causeless.