Day 2

Fortunately, I had therapy last night. I sat down, sighed, and paused for a few seconds.

“I don’t even know if I want to talk about it,” I said.

He smiled sadly. “Well, then you’d be my first patient today who didn’t.”

But of course we talked about it. And it was helpful, for a time.

The world has turned upside down. So we talked about how to engage in self-care, self-maintenance. Self-soothing. Be good to yourself. Focus on the things you can control. It’s amazing how much your mental and emotional state can affect how you feel. (Which I know is a tautology, but still.)

Some people have expressed rage and anger and are gearing up to fight the coming battles. But I don’t have the emotional or mental energy for that right now. I’m too depressed and drained. And I still haven’t had a good night’s sleep.

I talked to my dad last night and my mom this morning. My dad’s away on business right now. It was great to commiserate with him. And my mom always has amazing insight.

There’s a lot that I’m scared of.

As a gay man, I’m scared that federal recognition of my marriage will be taken away.

As a Jew, I’m scared because we as a people know what fascism brings.

As an American, I’m scared for what’s going to happen to the country and to the world. A guy with the attention span of a gnat is going to be in charge of the U.S. military.

I just… can’t.

And imagine being a Muslim-American, an immigrant, or a person of color right now.

Some of my fears are less likely to come to pass than others. But it’s hard to know which ones. I mean, the unthinkable has already happened, so who knows anymore?

I feel like sometime on Tuesday night we passed through a wormhole into an alternate universe. The darkest timeline. It really feels that way. I mean, obviously this is reality.

It just doesn’t feel anything like reality.