Yesterday, circa 5:00 p.m.

RJReynoldsNYC: but what about you?
RJReynoldsNYC: how’s YOUR life?
RJReynoldsNYC: i haven’t checked your blog yet today.
TinMan25NJ: well, today’s blog-entries are non-personal…
TinMan25NJ: i’m in more of a linky-love mood today
RJReynoldsNYC: ahh. so what’s the word on you?
TinMan25NJ: oh, you know me. i think i need prozac.
RJReynoldsNYC: you probably do.
RJReynoldsNYC: time for therapy for you.
TinMan25NJ: tonight’s my therapy night…
TinMan25NJ: really, though, not to complain, but my life feels so EMPTY.
RJReynoldsNYC: yay! make em cough up the pills.
RJReynoldsNYC: well that means your life isn’t full.
RJReynoldsNYC: and you need to go on adding some stuff in.
TinMan25NJ: but i’m afraid of that
TinMan25NJ: i’m afraid of fear…
TinMan25NJ: damn that FDR
RJReynoldsNYC: ha ha
TinMan25NJ: seriously, though, i am…
TinMan25NJ: my mode lately has been so lazy
TinMan25NJ: i think i’ve been trying to un-learn my childhood high-stress life
RJReynoldsNYC: lazy as in depressed?
RJReynoldsNYC: or lazy as in comfortable?
TinMan25NJ: a little of both… i’m just so bored
TinMan25NJ: although, sunday afternoon, i actually did feel depressed.
TinMan25NJ: i don’t want to say i felt suicidal, because it wasn’t quite like that, but i couldn’t really see any hope, you know?
RJReynoldsNYC: oh but that’s SUNDAY afternoons. they ALWAYS suck.
TinMan25NJ: yeah…
TinMan25NJ: you know what’s weird? i feel like i need more chaos in my life
TinMan25NJ: well, more fullness, as you said
RJReynoldsNYC: more excitement.
RJReynoldsNYC: a little fun.
RJReynoldsNYC: a reason to live.
TinMan25NJ: yeah — i need new things…
RJReynoldsNYC: BESIDES fucking blogging.
TinMan25NJ: the blogging’s okay… but no bloggers ever really call me to get together
TinMan25NJ: all these great people but we never really socialize
TinMan25NJ: and my debt keeps going up
TinMan25NJ: since i can’t afford my apartment
TinMan25NJ: and if i get this new job, i have to live in new jersey
RJReynoldsNYC: OOO what job?
TinMan25NJ: unless i use my parents’ address
RJReynoldsNYC: oh yeah. that’s a better idea than living in NJ
TinMan25NJ: the government job… lawyering… not something i’m looking forward to
TinMan25NJ: i just feel so NEGATIVE though
TinMan25NJ: like, i’d be lying
RJReynoldsNYC: it sounds like you don’t like the job you have now, the job might get, OR the place you live.
RJReynoldsNYC: well THAT”S no fun.
TinMan25NJ: no, no, and no… you’re right
TinMan25NJ: and basically i can’t even concentrate at work
TinMan25NJ: and you know what? i don’t feel like i can get out of this by myself
RJReynoldsNYC: ahh.
RJReynoldsNYC: you’re waiting for a crisis to smack you awake.
TinMan25NJ: i need a drastic change in my life!
RJReynoldsNYC: well you’ll end up like [xxx], getting evicted.
RJReynoldsNYC: THEN you’ll feel better.
TinMan25NJ: i won’t get evicted
TinMan25NJ: i’ll just deeper into debt
TinMan25NJ: get deeper into debt
RJReynoldsNYC: oh that sounds fun. and hitting your parents up for more money.
RJReynoldsNYC: whirr.
TinMan25NJ: i don’t want to move further out into new jersey, i really don’t
TinMan25NJ: i want to live in NYC, in an affordable place
RJReynoldsNYC: then you shouldn’t.
RJReynoldsNYC: then you should.
TinMan25NJ: although i also wonder, it would be great to move to like, Taos, New Mexico
RJReynoldsNYC: HA HA HA
TinMan25NJ: i almost want to just tell my landlord i’m leaving, and force myself into action that way.
RJReynoldsNYC: i’ll call your landlord.
RJReynoldsNYC: tell him you’re a baby murderer.
TinMan25NJ: hehe… actually, he gave me a few extra days to pay my june rent
TinMan25NJ: and i’m getting a paycheck on thursday, which will cover some of my rent…
RJReynoldsNYC: not if you had dead babies in your fridge.
RJReynoldsNYC: then he’d want you out.
RJReynoldsNYC: poor kitten.
TinMan25NJ: i have baby carrots in my fridge
RJReynoldsNYC: close!

[snip]

RJReynoldsNYC: okay: anxiety is only the fear of more anxiety.
RJReynoldsNYC: panic attacks are all about having the next panic attack.
TinMan25NJ: i feel like anxiety will kill me.
TinMan25NJ: it makes me feel like i’m going to die… does that even make sense?
RJReynoldsNYC: what does your shrink say about that? shouldn’t you be getting what sounds like an anxiety disorder treated?
RJReynoldsNYC: the best thing you can do in therapy is take something to suppress the symptoms so you can get at the root of the problem.

[snip]

TinMan25NJ: i feel like i want to quit my job and do nothing for a few weeks…
RJReynoldsNYC: gee that sounds fun.
TinMan25NJ: but i can’t do that, right.
TinMan25NJ: that would be so incredibly irresponsible.
TinMan25NJ: and then people would look down on me or something.
RJReynoldsNYC: what people?
TinMan25NJ: bloggers…
RJReynoldsNYC: what fucking people? oh come on.
TinMan25NJ: ok, isn’t this weird? i care about what my readers think of me.
TinMan25NJ: too much.
RJReynoldsNYC: that’s lame.
TinMan25NJ: i blog to make friends.
TinMan25NJ: maybe.
RJReynoldsNYC: you do?
TinMan25NJ: well, no
RJReynoldsNYC: hmmm.
TinMan25NJ: i blog to be admired.
RJReynoldsNYC: no i don’t think so.
RJReynoldsNYC: ahhhh
RJReynoldsNYC: better
TinMan25NJ: and to meet people…
RJReynoldsNYC: sure.
RJReynoldsNYC: fair enough.
TinMan25NJ: but i do care very much about how i present myself
RJReynoldsNYC: oh i know.
TinMan25NJ: i mean, people apparently like the personality i present…
TinMan25NJ: after all, they read me…
TinMan25NJ: why fuck with it?
TinMan25NJ: story of my life…
RJReynoldsNYC: oh dear.
RJReynoldsNYC: people love rash decisions and drama too.
TinMan25NJ: i’ve spent my whole life trying to replicate the admiration i got from my kindergarten teachers.

[snip]

TinMan25NJ: ok, problem number one with me, right?
TinMan25NJ: fear of offending…
RJReynoldsNYC: right.
RJReynoldsNYC: fear of OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS.
TinMan25NJ: yes…
RJReynoldsNYC: okay. the rule is:
RJReynoldsNYC: what other people think of you is none of your business.
TinMan25NJ: right!
TinMan25NJ: i’ve heard that before… i love it
RJReynoldsNYC: what’s your second worst fear?
TinMan25NJ: death is my worst fear.
TinMan25NJ: my second worst fear is pain.
TinMan25NJ: and anxiety.
RJReynoldsNYC: emotional pain? or do you focus on physical pain?
TinMan25NJ: i fear i will be homeless on the street with no money.
TinMan25NJ: and then i’ll get mugged.
TinMan25NJ: or drugged.
TinMan25NJ: or imprisoned.
TinMan25NJ: i’ll turn into a lunatic wandering around on the street and people will stare at me or arrest me or rob me
TinMan25NJ: and i will lose my personality, and all my talents will go to waste
RJReynoldsNYC: WOW!
RJReynoldsNYC: that’s incredible!
RJReynoldsNYC: HA HA HA
RJReynoldsNYC: what a fucking snowball!
TinMan25NJ: you wanted the truth…
TinMan25NJ: that’s what i fear, and that’s truly how my mind works
TinMan25NJ: i am so fucking scared of these things

[snip]

TinMan25NJ: thanks so much sweetie.
RJReynoldsNYC: oh sure pumpkin.
RJReynoldsNYC: i don’t like you being in pain.
RJReynoldsNYC: pain sucks.
TinMan25NJ: me no like pain either.
RJReynoldsNYC: when it’s over you’ll look back at this in shock.
TinMan25NJ: pain bad.
RJReynoldsNYC: you won’t believe you felt this bad for so long.
TinMan25NJ: yeah.
TinMan25NJ: hope!
TinMan25NJ: ok, i’m off…
RJReynoldsNYC: and blog about it!
RJReynoldsNYC: xoxoxo
TinMan25NJ: yes yes yes
TinMan25NJ: *hugs*

So I went into therapy and asked about medication. My therapist is a Ph.D. and can recommend me to an M.D. for medication, but she seemed reluctant. I guess she seems to think my problems aren’t chemical but situational. And psychological. I think they’re a little of everything.

Anyway, in therapy I just felt so frustrated. I felt like I was up against a wall, hitting it again and again and again. I wound up tossing my glasses on the floor and lying down on the couch instead of sitting on it like I usually do and I just spent the rest of the session in that position as we continued our conversation.

I told her I was so fucking tired of coming into therapy week after week and not having anything change. I go in and I talk about things and then six and a half days go by and nothing happens. I’ve been in a rut. I’ve realized I can’t make these changes on my own. I’ve never really been a self-motivator. I’m inextricably drawn to other things: books, online chats, being with friends. Distractions are so much easier. Change is scary. And I haven’t really known what steps to take, because the process seems so big and amorphous and confusing. So I’ve needed help.

By the end of it, we decided that I needed to set a target date for me to move. First we said July 1, and I’d just call my landlord and tell him he had to use my security deposit to cover my June rent. But that doesn’t seem like enough time to find a new place necessarily. As for finding a new place, we decided I need to get my mom to help me. I can’t do it alone, that’s pretty clear. I feel kind of embarrassed that I have to get my mom to help me, but that’s because my dad has often ridiculed me for just that. When I was a kid I remember him once making fun of me for “hanging on your mommy’s apron strings.” Hell. If I need help, I need help. Anyway, I think I’ve set a date of August 1 to move out of my place.