Be my fake boyfriend for Passover.

That and more at the Best of Craigslist, which I can’t believe I didn’t know of until now.

How long should you wait before having sex?

Three dates. At least.

That’s what I paid 25 bucks to learn last spring. A friend and I went to a one-night Gay Dating Workshop, run by a gay dating coach. The flyer promised that we’d learn the answers to several questions, including, What are the best places to find men? How can you get a date in one minute flat? How long should you wait before having sex?

I was most interested in that last question, since that’s the topic that has most mystified me during my relatively short time out of the closet.

Unfortunately, the answer was smuggled into a long monologue toward the end of the workshop:

…yadayadayadathat’swhyIsayyoushouldwaitthreedates beforehavingsexyadayadayadaya…

You could see all the ears in the room grow fully erect. Heads swerved. Pencils scribbled. People whispered. “How many dates?” “I didn’t hear him. What did he say?” One guy raised his hand, hoping for an elaboration, but the workshop came to an end, and there was no time for group questions.

Since the coach (Go team go! Homosexuals rah rah rah! Fuck that ass! …sorry) didn’t bother to explain his three-date rule, I had to guess the reason on my own. I came up with the following possible explanations:

1) After three dates, the sex will be more meaningful and enjoyable, because sex is more meaningful and enjoyable when you know the person better.

2) You’ll cut down on the amout of casual sex you have, and maybe this is a good thing.

3) You’ll cut down on the confusion; you’ll have a better idea of what both guys are looking for; it’s less likely you’ll later have to ask yourself, or him, “What did this sex mean?”

4) You’ll improve your interpersonal skills.

5) You’ll the avoid the problem of having sex too soon, then abandoning the effort to get to know the guy better, and potentially missing out on someone wonderful.

Armed with these arguments, I decided to try out the three-date rule.

I went on three dates with a guy, and by the end of the third date, I realized I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him. And I think he gave up on me anyway, since I hadn’t put out after three dates. We didn’t go out again. (I ran into him several months later at the Duplex and sat on his lap while he fondled my genitals, but that’s another story.)

Sometimes I’ve tried the one-date rule. This means I go out with a guy, have sex, and never see him again.

Other times I’ve tried the two-date rule. This means I go out with a guy once, go out with him again, have sex, and never see him again.

And then there’s the no-date rule, or the Internet hookup, which doesn’t even involve going out; I have sex and never see him again.

Is three dates some magic threshhold? If you have sex after three dates, can you not not see the guy again? If you have sex after three or more dates, are you married or something?

I think that after three dates, you have to worry about ruining the friendship.

Maybe guys just need to be clear about what they want from the get-go. But that’s not easy. Suppose you ask a guy, “Okay, you’ve just invited me back to your place, but I want to know, if we have sex, are you still interested in getting to know me?” If he says yes, it might be a false yes. He might not even be consciously lying. He might think he wants to get to know you better while really he’s just under the thrall of his libido. Our libidos will lie, cheat or even steal to get what they want, without even letting us, their rightful owners, know about it.

I know couples who have had sex on the first date and wound up together. I know couples who have waited and wound up together, too. And I know couples who have waited and not wound up together. It could be that there’s no correlation. It could be that if someone is the right person, he’s the right person, and you’ll wind up together whether or not you wait. And if he’s the wrong person, no amount of waiting can change that.

Ugh. Dating is messy. Let’s just go shopping.

Things worth reading:

We Are All Sodomites Now, by Andrew Sullivan. A month old, but very relevant.

And:

“Once the news conference got underway, the President did not recognize reporters who raised their hands. Instead, he called their names from a list prepared by news secretary Ari Fleischer, the man who told reporters after Sept. 11 that they should watch what they say. When CNN’s John King attempted to ask a question, the President told him to wait because, the President said, ‘This is scripted.’ Then he called the next name on his list: John King.”

From The Press and Freedom: Some Disturbing Trends, by NPR “Morning Edition” host Bob Edwards. An essential but depressing piece.

This blog is not going to turn into a politics blog — in fact, I will make a non-political post later — but I wanted to point these out.
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