Penn

I have tentative plans on Saturday to meet up, finally, with this person who I’ve been chatting and talking on the phone with for the past few weeks. I’ll call him Penn. He lives in Manhattan, but lately he’s had to spend most of his time in northern Virginia on business. We talk on the phone at great length, several nights a week, and by this point he knows all about me, and I know lots about him. We seem to click in a way that I haven’t with another person in quite a while.

I’m not sure what to feel, though, because there’s nothing physical to focus on. I haven’t seen his face or encountered him in person. So right now he’s still sort of amorphous — he’s just a voice on the phone. I’m trying not to get too excited, and in fact, what I’m feeling right now is more a curiosity tinged with restrained hopes.

Anyway, he’s hoping to be back in town this weekend; if he is, we’ve decided to meet up on Saturday. I’ll keep you all posted.

I wound up writing the following sentence in my journal last night:

I will take responsibility for my own happiness.

That’s my new mantra.

Reprieve

It turns out that my coworker’s flight back home was cancelled because of the snow, and they can’t get another flight until Thursday. That means I can stay here tonight and tomorrow night as well! I’m glad, because I went back to my apartment earlier, and the upstairs neighbor was watching a loud movie that might as well have been playing in my bedroom. Can’t stand it… can’t stand it…

I think I’ll have a good case to break my lease, since this problem doesn’t seem to be getting fixed. Hmm… I think I’ll look for a place in Brooklyn. I’m tired of New Jersey. But wherever I live, I’d at least like a quieter apartment. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so.

I have to start listening to my gut. I have to start doing what makes me happy. I have to realize that I won’t be punished for trying to have some personal happiness; that Fate is an ancient, worn out concept; that there’s nobody out there with any power over me. I’m an adult. I have nobody to please. No longer should I suffer for the sheer dignity of suffering.