I spent most of today depressed and anxious about my future, and I really wasn’t in the mood to sit through five and a half hours of Parsifal tonight. I considered selling my ticket. I still hadn’t made up my mind once I’d gotten to the Met. I stood outside for a while, watching people haggle over tickets. But curiosity won out, and I went in, and the usher ripped my ticket in half and gave me the stub. No turning back.
Well, there sort of was. I left after the first act. (There are three acts.) Granted, the first act is nearly two hours long, so I saw a substantial chunk of the opera. And it was superbly done. But it was very slow, and besides that, I just couldn’t spend another three more hours sitting in a seat by myself at the opera. I wanted to be home, cuddling on the couch with Matt in front of the TV. Which is what I wound up doing instead. It was time much better spent.
Not even my therapist, whom I’ve been seeing for more than five years, seems to have a clear idea of what I should do with my life. For a few weeks I’d been thinking about a Ph.D. in history, which I’d thought about in the past. Then a couple of nights ago it hit me that a library science degree and going to work in a university library might be a much better idea. (Also an idea I’d thought about in the past.) But I had therapy this morning, and while talking about the idea, I got discouraged. (I read more about library science on Ask.MeFi today, and I got more discouraged.) Then my therapist suggested a Ph.D. again. I said that I’m not really interested in teaching so much as I’m interested in learning about a person or a historical topic and then writing a book about it. She said, then don’t spend all the time and money getting a Ph.D. Just write a book.
Sure, easy. I have no idea what I’d write about or even how to write a biography or history book, and there’d be no guarantee of success with a book if I somehow managed to write it, and in the meantime I’d still have to work a full-time job, and the point is to find something now that I love to do.
I really don’t see an out right now, and I feel like I’m never going to be happy.
This was pretty much my day.
It’s not a good feeling.
Even your therapist doesn’t know what you should do next? Maybe you’re relying too much on your therapist to make your decisions for you.
Sounds like it might be useful to spend a little time brainstorming all the types of jobs that involve research and writing. I think you’d generate quite a list of possibilities to evaluate.
A suggestion- you are interested in history and theater, you live in NYC and have access to the NYC Public Library. What about doing a little research on Broadway or on a specific play/musical. Spend a few hours looking at original materials and write something- see if you enjoy the research/writing. I know things look down now, but you are a smart, talented (and cute!) man, and things will get figured out.
How bout going to see a career coach. I am sure your therapist knows of one. They can better acess what your good at, give you feedback and all that…Best thing I ever did.
Don’t wait for something to happen that will make you happy. Odds are, frankly, not that good. Look for things in your life right now and draw happiness from them.
Carol Lloyd’s book, Creating a Life Worth Living, helped me turn my life around. I went from being well-educated but bored office drone to cooking in a fancy restaurant. It was hard but worth it.
The other thing to remember is that it’s possible (and important) to separate your job from your vocation. Work to make money. Use that money to do what you really want to accomplish in life.
http://www.creatingalifeworthliving.com/