I’ve been feeling emotionally and physically better today than in the last few days. It’s because I was able to catch up on some sleep last night. I mean, the world still sucks, but taking care of your physical and mental health helps a lot.

Fortunately, I had therapy last night. I sat down, sighed, and paused for a few seconds.

“I don’t even know if I want to talk about it,” I said.

He smiled sadly. “Well, then you’d be my first patient today who didn’t.”

But of course we talked about it. And it was helpful, for a time.

The world has turned upside down. So we talked about how to engage in self-care, self-maintenance. Self-soothing. Be good to yourself. Focus on the things you can control. It’s amazing how much your mental and emotional state can affect how you feel. (Which I know is a tautology, but still.)

Some people have expressed rage and anger and are gearing up to fight the coming battles. But I don’t have the emotional or mental energy for that right now. I’m too depressed and drained. And I still haven’t had a good night’s sleep.

I talked to my dad last night and my mom this morning. My dad’s away on business right now. It was great to commiserate with him. And my mom always has amazing insight.

There’s a lot that I’m scared of.

As a gay man, I’m scared that federal recognition of my marriage will be taken away.

As a Jew, I’m scared because we as a people know what fascism brings.

As an American, I’m scared for what’s going to happen to the country and to the world. A guy with the attention span of a gnat is going to be in charge of the U.S. military.

I just… can’t.

And imagine being a Muslim-American, an immigrant, or a person of color right now.

Some of my fears are less likely to come to pass than others. But it’s hard to know which ones. I mean, the unthinkable has already happened, so who knows anymore?

I feel like sometime on Tuesday night we passed through a wormhole into an alternate universe. The darkest timeline. It really feels that way. I mean, obviously this is reality.

It just doesn’t feel anything like reality.

I’m terrified.

And I feel ill. Physically ill, in the pit of my stomach.

I’m trying to hold it together, but it’s really difficult.

It doesn’t help that I didn’t get much sleep last night.

This morning, I walked around the corner to the grocery store. The vibe on the street felt like post-9/11. A collective, communal shock and despair. Same thing later, on the subway. Everyone being quiet and polite to each other.

I walked past the Javits Center on the way to the office. I stared at it and broke into tears.

But it wasn’t really about her. It was that she was the only thing saving us from disaster. And she lost.

I was very dejected when W won, and then when he won again. But I wasn’t terrified like I am now.

I’m terrified for the future of our country – socially, financially, and in other ways. I’d feel that way if any Republican had won. But because it was this particular person, I’m also terrified about our civil liberties, about impending fascism, about geopolitics, about what’s going to happen to the world.

Our country doesn’t survive this.

It’s like a nightmare, but I can’t wake up from it.

So, where to go from here?

Self-preservation. Be good to myself. Find new hobbies. Start to pull back from following the news. I hope I can do that.

Other than that – sorry, I got nothing.