Timeline of CBS history.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and good wishes.

I’m still in a bit of daze. I have fits of self-loathing and I occasionally feel like throwing up. I went to Washington Square Park yesterday afternoon with a notebook and did some writing in order to process my thoughts of the last few days. I hadn’t done that in so long – write words that nobody else will see but me. I forgot how freeing it is when you don’t have to worry about an audience.

I let my New York bar membership lapse a couple of years ago, since I wasn’t practicing there, and I was worried that I would have to go through a long process to reactivate it and even possibly, God forbid, take the bar exam again. But I spoke to someone today and it turns out it’s easy: they send me a form (I should receive it Wednesday) and I fill it out and send in my back fees and I’m good to go. Whew.

Now that I’ll be looking for new employment, I’m worried about the blog. Thanks to a newspaper article from a few years ago, it’s possible to find out the name of this blog if you Google my name. You need to do another Google search in order to find the blog itself, but I’m sure the curious will think of that. I’ve already removed some identifying information from the site. I’m wondering if I should temporarily move the blog to another URL entirely. I don’t even know if the blog would be a problem or not.

My parents and my brother think I won’t have too much trouble finding a new job, given my credentials. But I don’t know if the types of jobs it would be easiest for me to get are the types of jobs I want. Here I go, making things unnecessarily difficult for myself.

Yesterday I bought the latest edition of What Color is Your Parachute? I bought a copy several years ago and found it mildly helpful. I figure, why not. I’ve also been leafing through my copy of What Can You Do With a Law Degree?: A Lawyer’s Guide to Career Alternatives Inside, Outside & Around the Law, which might or might not be helpful.

At least I’ve still got the gym. I think I’ll need it in the next few weeks. And in addition to helping me deal with stress, it’s been good in other ways. After two and a half months, my pants and underwear fit again. A concavity is developing on each side of my stomach below my ribcage. No visible abs yet. Still a little bit of love handle when the elastic presses against my waist in a particular way (those are hard to get rid of!). I wish my arms were getting bigger more quickly – I feel like I haven’t seen any progress there in a few weeks. I drink a protein powder supplement twice a day – I wonder if I need even more protein. Anyway, the gym is good for me.

The worst part of all this is the high self-doubt and low self-esteem. Had I been better at my job I wouldn’t have been laid off (and this isn’t speculation on my part, but a fact). It just means it wasn’t the right job for me. Is there even a right job for me?

That’s the question that scares me most.

I got laid off from my job today.

Statewide budget cuts.

So much for my cushy government lawyer job. According to page 67 of this, my division’s budget is getting cut by one of the largest percentages of all state agencies – a 40.5 percent cut.

I’ve been given six weeks’ notice. (My last day is May 12.) And I’ll get paid for my unused vacation time. And fortunately Matt and I are currently living rent-free.

The silver lining is that maybe I’ll finally find something I really enjoy doing. Maybe, maybe not. (I’ve been looking for that grail since college and haven’t found it – why would I find it now?)

Maybe now I can find a job in Manhattan and have a shorter commute.

Maybe I can find a job with a higher salary.

Still, this sucks. Now my life gets to be turned upside down for a bit. I hope it’s not for too long. And my self-esteem isn’t doing too well right now, either.

I’m still kind of in shock and don’t really know what my next step is, or even what I want that next step to be. But if anyone has any advice or job leads or whatever, I’ll listen to anything.